Dave’s Strange and Unusual World

March 17, 2008

Zit Down and Take a Load Off

Filed under: Knee-Slappingly Funny — dangrdave @ 3:41 pm

I have a terrible confession to make: I love to eat the candy off of the desk of one of my co-workers. Whoa…before judging me, please allow me to explain that this co-worker encourages people to eat her candy. She tempts us all with multiple, alluring, bright, shiny jars stocked with, if you can believe it, all of my favorite chocolates. Okay, so pretty much any chocolate that is free is my favorite, but that is beside the point. The point is that this lady is like the Willy Wonka of the building and I’m holding a golden ticket. Each time that I reach into one of the jars on her desk and grab some chocolates, however, my eyes are drawn to the mounted oompa-loompa head that hangs on her wall. This causes me to wonder how good all of the chocolate really is for me. You know, I recently found a very alarming statistic, which I just made up, that seems to indicate that approximately one-half to two-thirds of all the acne that exists in the American workplace is directly attributable to the corporate candy person. Each workplace has this person, silently watching as we all outgrow our pants and begin developing acne that hasn’t existed since we stopped going to the pizza buffet every week after church. I sometimes watch the “old timers” waddle around the office in their pregnancy-paneled pants, and I am dismayed. There are grandfatherly figures with full faces of acne, shuffling around eating a piece of chocolate, muttering about having not seen their toes since the mid-seventies. Will this be my future? No! I am determined to avoid the evil temptations of the Wonka desk; never again will I reach my hand into that shiny jar; never again will I indulge in an unnecessary piece of chocolate; never again will I buy into this lie; never again will I…hey, she just put out some new chocolates! Well, definitely, after these new Butter-Fingers are through, so am I; unless, of course, she puts out something really good, like Heath bars, Hershey’s Kisses, Baby Ruths, etc.

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