In the lunch room today an obviously depressed friend was sitting there eating Triscuit® brand crackers. To be sure, my friend really didn’t seem outwardly depressed, but I can think of no other reason that a happy man would willingly eat Triscuits. Triscuits, to me, are like eating Brillo Pads©, only not quite as tasty. Triscuits really aren’t good for much of anything, in my opinion; even most Shredded Wheat™ fans have rejected them. Currently, the Senate is investigating reports that the CIA tortured prisoners of war by feeding them Triscuits. And, beyond the government circles, though they won’t readily admit it, many stores only really carry Triscuits because of their ability to sop up spills quickly (scientific note: Triscuits, like industrial shammies, can absorb approximately four times their volume in water). Anyway, in order to lighten the mood for my friend, I suggested that he should find a can of compressed cheese-type product (now with more CFCs!) to at least put some flavor and moisture on his crackers. After searching the supply closet, we were unable to locate any compressed cheese – there were only a few cans of compressed bologna, and those didn’t seem to interest my friend. So, my friend went back to eating his Triscuits. His cheeks slowly began to wither with each mouthful of Triscuits, his vital spittle reserves began reaching very low levels, as each word he spoke was parched and accented with dry Triscuit crumbs that sucked the moisture out of the air in the room. I couldn’t bear to watch a friend do this to himself, so I left the lunchroom. I hope he’s alright…I haven’t really seen him since lunch.
March 27, 2008
Friends Don’t Let Friends Eat Triscuits…Unless They Really Want To
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