I would like to go ahead and take personal credit for the Dow rising 391 points yesterday; I believe that my powerfully reasoned doubts about the U.S. actually being in a recession ultimately instilled a lot of much-needed investor confidence.
So, on to today’s post. And, rest assured, now that I know that my postings have the power to affect the markets, I will try to use all of the caution that I am able to muster, so as to prevent a freefall in stock prices, when I announce that (drum roll) I shaved my border collie yesterday.
Now, my border collie, Bethany, is black and white and extremely hairy, so my task was daunting and shaving her can only be described as an act of mercy. I had recently noticed that Bethany, with her winter coat making her look very much like a fuzzy soccer ball, was way too hairy to actually move on her own; basically, I believe that Bethany has been moving about via an instinctual process of waiting for stout breezes to come along and blow her, tumbleweed-like, from her dog house to her food bowl and back again.
The shaving process was not as easy as I would have assumed, even with my new Chinese-made™ dog shears. Bethany, unlike a sheep or Jesse Ventura, appeared not to enjoy being shaved, so I ended up shaving her while she was simultaneously trembling, rolled into a ball and, for all intents and purposes, glued to a spot on the side of the house. Somehow, Bethany was able to harness the power of gravitation, much like Massachusetts senators do, to make herself heavier than would otherwise seem possible.
At the end of the shaving ceremony, I wiped the sweat from my brow and looked around at all of the hair on my back porch…it looked as if an obese skunk had blown up. I stared down at shaking image of Bethany, her mass now reduced by two-thirds, as I slowly began gathering up the equivalent of six standard lap dogs (or, one standard Robin Williams) worth of hair. After a dry dog cookie and a quick dusting off, Bethany, though looking every bit like she got into a fight with a deranged Weed Whacker, was happy and bouncing carefree through the back yard.
Things to do before I die: shave a dog. Done.