Dave’s Strange and Unusual World

April 7, 2008

E-gads! It’s Time to Wash Your Nose Hair!

Filed under: Knee-Slappingly Funny — dangrdave @ 2:02 pm

American ingenuity is once again in the news!

.

Last night, I learned of the Crown7™ smokeless cigarette, which was invented by – seriously – Ronald MacDonald. Apparently, the e-cigarette works by releasing a small amount of nicotine in a ‘puff’ of vapor. “Grimace was using upwards of twenty three nicotine patches and chewing four packs of Nicorette® gum per day, in addition to eating discarded cigarette butts,” says MacDonald, “but now Grimace is exclusively addicted to puffing on the Crown7® and any other small electronic flashlight-like devices, including some cable cords, that happen to be near him.”

.

Despite the success of the Crown7©, however, there is a dark side. Apparently, the Hamburgler, using time-honored Chinese reverse-engineering techniques, has created something called an E-Quarter-Pounder. The E-Quarter-Pounder cartridge looks very much like the e-cigarette cartridge and delivers, through the Crown7™ module, the approximate caloric intake of two quarter-pounders with each vapor puff. Children in Dallas, Texas have begun mixing crack with the E-Quarter-Pounder cartridges, creating what frustrated school officials have termed the ‘E-Quarter-Pounder with Cheese.’

.

Another long-overdue American invention, which smells of success, was recently unveiled at the International Invention Exposition in Geneva. Gengsheng Sun, one of America’s premier inventors, after noticing that most people have too little nose hair, came up with the idea of washable and reusable artificial nose hair. “Science has now given us a viable alternative to snorting Rogain® or Chia Pet© food for the growth of luscious nose hair,” said Sun.

.

While most people, after such a major breakthrough, would rest on their laurels, Sun, a co-inventor of artificial dandruff, has already begun work on his next major invention: artificial ear and knuckle hair. “I can’t tell you how many people are treated for frostbite to their ears and knuckles every year because they don’t have a proper amount of hair on them,” said Sun.

.

So, remember: if you really want to invent something, you must keep trying. Gengsheng Sun failed 999 times to invent artificial nose hair; but he succeeded on his one-thousandth time. This is American perseverance. So, slide a new nicotine cartridge into your Crown7™ and start inventing!

Advertisements

2 Comments »

  1. […] Perez Hilton wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptWhile most people, after such a major breakthrough, would rest on their laurels, Sun, a co-inventor of artificial dandruff, has already begun work on his next major invention: artificial ear and knuckle hair. “I can’t tell you how many … […]

    Pingback by Egads! It’s Time to Wash Your Nose Hair! | Hairstyles for Men and Women — April 7, 2008 @ 2:15 pm

  2. Dude, I cringed when I saw the title for this post. No, I mean I physically hunched my shoulders and cringed.

    I’ll send this to my friend who’s quitting smoking though. Mwahaha.

    Comment by Ghosty — April 7, 2008 @ 9:26 pm


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: