I remember when I was a child, it seemed like a year lasted longer than it does now. It felt like there was more than a year between each of my birthdays. By my calculations, wherein I astutely remembered to carry the “1,” I guesstimate that each year contained approximately 15 to 16 good, solid months of actual ‘monthage.’
As I grew older, the months-per-year gradually began getting shorter. My research, by which I mean ‘this cup of coffee that I’m drinking,’ has led me to the conclusion that years actually became equal to 12 complete months somewhere around the year 1995.
To be sure, this shortening of years, actually coincided with a dramatic increase in high-elevation east-bound flight activity. Really educated people believe that these flights have created easterly wind currents that have rippled through our upper atmosphere and have caused the planet to rotate at an ever-increasing pace. This spinning action has caused our days to shorten, which has led to the year becoming shorter.
As of 2008, I estimate that a standard year has only 10 to 10.5 months in it. This can be seen empirically by the fact that my birthday comes around much sooner than it used to. Now, sure, I like getting presents (keep ‘em coming!), but I do fear for the safety of the world. For this reason, I am proposing to launch a global, grass-roots campaign to combat ‘Global Year Shortening’ and, hopefully, earn a Nobel Peace Prize in the process.
This phenomenon is real, as can be seen by taking a close look at the Rolling Stones, who, though they should only be in their sixties, appear much older. The only way to combat this man-made problem is to call all industrialized countries to curb their high-elevation east-bound flight activity by two-thirds over the next decade.
Q: Dave, where is your proof that this “Global Year Shortening” is actually occurring?
A: The burden of proof lies with you, the nay-saying nabob of denial. Quit denying it already. I just create the empirical reality, you must un-prove it. For information concerning your responsibilities, read this.