Dave’s Strange and Unusual World

June 18, 2008

David Versus Goliath: 100 Pounds of Chewed Bubble Gum Versus a Rubber Band

Filed under: Knee-Slappingly Funny — dangrdave @ 10:18 pm
Tags: , , , ,

So, I read today where a woman was injured by a thong from Victoria ’s Secret. The injured woman, one Macrida Patterson, was approximately 52 years old at the time of her injury, which, in my opinion, is approximately 32 years too old to be wearing a thong in the first place.

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According to court documents, in a blatant act of defiance, the tightly stretched thong propelled a small decorative object directly into Mrs. Patterson’s eye. Luckily enough, her good eye was able to find the number of the nearest lawyer, who quickly emerged from some nearby pond scum to assess the situation and file a lawsuit.

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Now, I would like to bring up a few points as we analyze this clearly relevant case, which is in no way taking up valuable court time or making a mockery of the justice system.

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My first thought is that, “If the thong does not fit, you must acquit.” The article that I read made no mention of the size of Mrs. Patterson’s derriere or the size of the thong in question. Most thongs are approximately the size of a rubber band, so it stands to reason that if Mrs. Patterson is anywhere over the age of 20 and has, at any point in her life, consumed a calorie, the thong should be utterly too small and inappropriate to be used as anything other than a hair band

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My thoughts are that Mrs. Patterson was looking for a lawsuit when she purchased her thong. Had she been able to actually get the thong onto her body, I am sure that she would had to have been rushed to a hospital as a consequence of the tourniquet-like effect that would have claimed both of her legs and all prospects of late-age childbirth. No doubt, the Jaws-O-Life would have played a part in saving Mrs. Patterson from herself. This situation would have necessitated another lawsuit.

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So, we are left with the fact that Mrs. Patterson got hit in the eye with a decorative piece of her thong. In the real world, we would not reward her for blatantly dumb behavior…we would issue her an eye patch and make jokes about her being a thong-wearing pirate. But, we aren’t talking about the real world; we are talking about California …and in California anything goes.

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So remember, some people make their fortunes in oil, gold, stocks or technology. These people are fools! It is much easier to make a fortune in stupidity…all you need is a good dumb idea and good lawyer.

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