I recently came across a terrifying news article about a pig named Bruce (no, not your hairy-backed neighbor with the Harley out front) that refused to let a woman use her outdoor restroom unless she did his laundry, or something like that (read the article for yourself if your one of those purists who actually wants “accurate” details…sheesh). Anyway, the woman, who spoke by phone during her ten-day hostage crisis, said “[Bruce] started getting very pushy, started pushing me around, so I started to get a bit frightened, until the stage that [Bruce] started knocking on my door at 4 a.m., actually head-butting my door.”
Here, we need to pause ask ourselves three important questions (please, no cheating off of your neighbor):
(Question 1) Is Bruce as big as a standard Shetland pony?
(Answer 1) No, he’s a little larger…about the size of a standard Ted Kennedy.
(Question 2) Does a standard Ted Kennedy have five or six gears and what is its gas mileage?
(Answer 2) Gas mileage varies, but it is generally accepted that it increases on highways and at Taco Bell drive-through windows.
(Question 3) If Bruce is preventing the woman from using her outhouse, couldn’t she just use the litter box to avoid painful and irreversible damage to her kidneys?
(Answer 3) The news story did not mention whether she had a cat or not.
Anyways, I don’t know about you, but I’m all for “animal rights” and all – what with them getting married in California and running for elected office in Massachusetts – but waking someone up at 4:00 in the morning is just plain rude in my book. And, to top it all off, the hostage didn’t even have the satisfaction of killing and eating Bruce in the form of bacon and pork chops. Apparently, after the tense ten-day standoff Bruce was removed by animal control officers and sent to something called a “piggery” to perform “stud duty.”