When Animals Attack

I’m the kind of guy that likes to find trends, however disturbing they may be, and bring them to the attention of you, my faithful reader (yes, the singular form of ‘reader’ is correct).  Why?  Mostly to gawk, but sometimes to inform.  So, today I stumbled across an article that sent chills up my neck.  Why, you ask?  Well for one, the air conditioning at work was blowing right on me when I was reading the article (seriously, it’s the winter…why is the AC blowing on me?).  More importantly, however, is the fact that this disturbing tale is all too familiar and I am convinced now, more than ever before, that dogs are exacting their revenge on humanity.

The first story that I read today (read it here) deals with Mr. Matthew Marcum who was shot by his Labrador, Drake.  Mr. Marcum received a 12-gauge blast to his buttocks and his back, and an even deeper, lifelong wound to his pride.

This story seemed eerily familiar, like one of those eerie programs that goes like this:

(Serious, deep-voiced narrator) “Ralph Scratchinbottom was driving down the road, minding his own business in a rural town in Delaware.  Suddenly, Ralph filled his Ford Festiva with a massive bodily emission that blew out his windows, causing him to pass out and roll his car into the ditch.  At approximately the same time, his twin brother, Fred, on the opposite coast, in California, had just won a tri-state chili-eating competition.  Was this just a coincidence?”

So, anyway, I looked back over my vast archives and found three more incidences of flatulence.  No, wait…I mean three more incidences of dogs shooting their owners.

In August of 2007, in Memphis Tennessee, a Great Dane named King George shot his owner in the back with a .22 caliber pistol (read it here).  The police ruled the shooting an accident and refused to press charges against the dog, which has since been placed in protective custody away from its owner.  Again, in October of 2007, another man by the name of James Harris of Tama, Iowa “took between 100-120 pellets in about a 4-inch circle to his calf” with his dog named as the trigger man (read it here).  Again, no charges were filed.  And, finally, in January of 2008, Perry Prince was shot and killed by his Labrador (read it here).  The dog’s muddy prints were found on the shotgun.  And, again, no charges were filed.

This is a disturbing trend and I wanted to be the first to break it to you.  As I believe that prevention is the best cure, I have already taken the drastic step of locking up my dog’s handgun and hunting rifle – I just don’t trust him anymore, no matter how innocent he may seem.  Dogs can turn on their masters in a heartbeat and I’ll take my chances with him trying to “shank” me over him shooting me any day.  And, to top it all off, the “law” doesn’t seem to be willing to do anything: none of these dogs have been prosecuted, and none have been put down.

So, be careful out there.  And, remember, treat your animals well…they might be packing heat.