Dave’s Strange and Unusual World

February 19, 2009

When It Pays to be One Foot Shorter than the Rest

Filed under: Knee-Slappingly Funny,Seriously Serious Stuff — dangrdave @ 3:10 pm

Here is the amazing case of Dustin Dibble, who was so inebriated that he fell onto the subway tracks in New York, lost his leg, AND collected $2.3 million for his trouble.  Dustin was so drunk that he doesn’t even remember the eve of the biggest payday of his life.  You see, a jury of Dustin’s peers found that Dustin was only 35 percent at fault and the NYC transit authority was 65 percent at fault for not stopping in time.  There are two consequences that we can infer from this generous payout:

1) Because Dustin’s “peers” were idiots, they, along with all New Yorkers, are now not going to receive $2.3 million in transit services, since they decided to give that money to Dustin for being a moron who is now one foot shorter as a consequence of his stupidity.  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, because, after all, we do live in a society where no one is really ever held accountable for his or her own bad mistakes – it’s always someone else’s fault.  Anyway, Dustin’s peers should have no right to complain about aged transit equipment or trash everywhere since they made the decision to cut the transit authority’s budget by $2.3 million.  The city should have counter-sued for endangering transit operations and passenger safety.  I would have awarded Dustin a pair of crutches and a lollipop before having the bailiff kick him out of my courtroom…but that’s just me.

2) In an age where all of our politicians, who tell us that they are doing away with the “politics of fear,” are trying to scare the snot out of us by telling us that the economy is as emaciated as Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, this verdict shows us that there is one good, lucrative line of work: stupidity.  When we have hundreds of thousands of people losing their jobs, what’s better: A) having to go on unemployment and risk barely making ends meet or B) being stupid and getting paid more money than you’d probably be able to make in a lifetime?  “B” is the obvious answer.  Therefore, what I propose is that if you need any sort of money, take the sure bet and give a limb to your local public transport services so that you never have to worry about things again.  Hard work or responsibility are the sucker’s bet.  Our good friend Dustin is going to be living high on the hog, why shouldn’t you?  In fact, our good friend Dustin, who lost his leg for being a drunk knuckle-head, is going to be living a hundred times better than any patriotic, valiant soldier who lost his leg fighting for our country in Iraq or Afghanistan.

God bless stupidity!


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